Ho, Ho, Ha

So it’s that time of the year again, when Santa packs up his sleigh and heads out. I went to the mall to see Santa, and I had to fight like 50 kids to get to him. Well, kids and pregnant women. One woman obviously had a moose for lunch, moose breath. It is slightly possible that my breath was reflecting off her forehead but I doubt it. I brushed my teeth last month and took a shower last year.

Those four-year-Old’s can bite. And you can’t hit them; you can only push them down and accidentally step on them. I spend all that time away from my drinking and then the big guy starts talking in code. I mean really, he wasn’t talking code to anyone else. I know I’m special.

“Hey, hey, Santa, I’m not from the north pole so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

So he looks me right in my bloodshot eyes and says. “I can’t feel my legs!” That’s was obviously in code. I adjusted my position on Santa’s lap. But he did smile and was so moved that he had tears in his eyes.

“Santa, I want a case of beer on top of another case of beer on top of a case of whisky.”

“Un huh.”

“I want my neighbor across the street to get a lump of coal … right between the eyes.”

“And if on the way in you could run over my mother-in-law and have the reindeer trample I would be grateful.”

And to that he said, “Security!”

I’ve already caught a cold. Everyone looks at you weird when you sneeze and cough up big hunks of mucus, like they’ve never done it. I had my hands full of presents and couldn’t sneeze into my armpit so I sneezed on this old woman’s expensive looking fur coat. I couldn’t believe that she actually got mad, and now I have to pay to get my boogers removed from her fur coat. What is this world coming to?

I ended up in the hospital with my cold. They had bags of stuff running into me; I later learned that it was snot. I guess that you lose an awful lot of snot when you have a cold and they have to replace it. I never knew that. Whisky doesn’t cure a cold it just makes you forget you have one.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all, and to all something or other.