Things you don't want to see on the news

The news is an interesting animal isn't it. Some old lady steps on a skateboard in China and kills herself and it's plastered all over the news. They hit you over the head with the bad news. And of course 99% of it is bad news. Good news doesn't sell as well and it's all about ratings.Oh, the president fell down and broke his head and our rating went up 20%? Quick, someone trip the president.

So in this so-called blog I'm going to tell you about the things that you definitely wouldn't want to see on the news. Pay attention because there's going to be a quiz afterwards. Now, where was I? Yeah, now I remember, I'm was right here on my computer.

You certainly wouldn't want to see another story of how American soldiers had Osama bin Laden surrounded in a cave in Pakistan and they paid some of his old friends millions to go in and get him, but somehow he managed to escape. "We heard a lot of laughing originating from the cave, and then some fake screams and stuff. But somehow he managed to get away. Kind of like when Elvis left the building, well he left the cave."

As an example you wouldn't want to see your own twin wanted DEAD OR ALIVE on the evening news. That could turn your good day into a bad one. The phone rings and it's your twin. "Hey buddy, I've just killed a few hundred cops so you might not want to go outside for awhile. I think someone saw me do it."

"What!!!!!!!"

And here's another thing that you wouldn't want to see on the news. O. J. Simpson explaining how his girlfriend's head fell off. Additionally, the CNN news anchor that's interviewing him seems to be buying his story it as he nods and nods. "Yeah, it was the weirdest thing, right out of the blue her head just fell off. She said that she wasn't going to make me dinner, you know. We were just sitting on the sofa and my stomach was growling and talking to me. "Kill the bitch!" it said. "It must be something like that instant human combustion thing, except with heads. And then her big fat head fell off. You know, it kind of surprised me."

And then Simpson shows us a big smile and a thumbs up. "I started this suicide note, but I don't think I need it."

Of course you wouldn't want to see a story so disturbing that the broadcaster has a gun to his own head. "This is breaking news!!!! Going to shoot myself right after I break this story." Or a story on a local brothel with you emerging with a big smile. "This is not live right? This is live! Can you blur my face? Can you at least hit me in the head with a shovel?""

How about a nasty story on the boob tube about tainted turkeys after you've just eaten one. Your stomach growls and gurgles like it's never done before." Anyone that has eaten one of these turkey should quickly drive directly to the morgue. "Yikes!"

How about a live news story where the criminal has done something so evil that you are hoping that they shoot him to pieces; you're jumping up and down and cheering. "Get that bastard!" That is until you realize that the police snipers have mistakenly surrounding your house. And you see yourself peeking out through the curtains on TV. "Hey, that guy looks familiar. Come and see this bozo. Oh, wait."

And one of the most disturbing stories of all, with your mother-in-law involved in a drive-by shooting. The car has thousands of bullets in it, and she's still expected to make a full recovery. "Oh, come on!"

So what happened to the quiz? I'm not sure what happened; I think some news guy ate it.

Now I'm going to sing an Elvis song. "On a cold and gray Chicago morning, another little baby horse was born ... in the baby horse ghetto." Whiny!!!!!! Poor little baby horse, got no hay to eat. All he does is chew on a wire fence. So send donations right here to me, and I'll see that that baby horse get a big steak and a case of beer. Oh, I might share it with him, you know, just to keep him company. Come on, he doesn't want to drink that beer by himself!

What! I'm not allowed to sing in a blog? You people are the critiqueest critiques that ever critique a critique. (say that 5 times fast. And I know that word up there is misspelled, but you know I'm just not that bright. I have no brain stem.)

You know I do occasionally add stuff to these blogs, so if you come back latter you just might see something different. You might not, but you might. But you might not, and then again you might.

Why is he called whinny the Pooh? He's not a horse. Oh, it's not spelled the same. Well, La tee, tah!